"Oh, Buzzfeed," I say. "I don't need to take your silly 'Which Day of the Week Are You?' quiz. I already know I'm a Tuesday."
"C'mon," says Buzzfeed.
"No! Your quizzes are ridiculous. Just because they pop up in my news feed doesn't mean I have to click. I've sworn them off!"
"'Sworn them off' being a phrase here meaning that it's been almost 22 hours since your last quiz?"
"That's not nice," I say. "You should take a 'What Kind of Meanie Are You?' quiz."
"No, I shouldn't. That's silly. I don't take quizzes. I give them. C'mon! Take the quiz."
"No! Your quizzes are ridiculous!"
"You're repeating yourself."
"Kinda like your questions. Is it a law of the Buzzfeed kingdom that every quiz have a Beyoncé song question?"
"Does it make you feel inadequate when you don't recognize contemporary cultural references in the quizzes?"
“I don't know why you'd say that."
“Because I saw your 'Which historical time period are you?' quiz results. It's OK. I eventually stopped laughing."
"Glad to have been so entertaining."
"Well, but the thing is, you might NOT be a Tuesday."
"I’m sure I’m a Tuesday. Some things you just know."
"You could be a Friday. Gal like you! Surely. Maybe even a Saturday. A Saturday!"
"You really think so?"
"Could be. Consider the popular Beyoncé song, 'You Never Really Know If You’re a Tuesday Until You Take The Quiz.'"
"That’s not a Beyoncé lyric!" [pauses] "Is it?"
"No. It's a line of dialogue from a really popular TV show that you've never even heard of." [coughs quietly – makes a noise that sounds sort of like 'Pleistocene']
"Have too heard of it! Whatever it is. It just comes on the wrong night. That's all. Otherwise I would known that."
"Here's what I know. You're going to take this quiz. And you're going to love the result."
"Well… OK. Maybe just this one. My LAST one. Really."
"Oh, Buzzfeed," I say. "I'm a Tuesday!"
"Congratulations! Great day of the week. One of the top seven. Now. How about taking my 'Which flavor of Italian soda are you?' quiz?"
"Will there be any questions where none of the answers apply?"
"Pretty much all of them. But there might be some cute cat photos tossed in!"
"Well…" [thinks it over; seconds elapse] "OK. Maybe just this one. But it's my last one. Really!"